2 Years & 27 Days Sober

or; How I Learned to Stop Loving the Feeling of Letting Myself Down

When I think back to when I made the decision to be intentionally sober, I hadn't had so much as a drink since the previous holiday season.

Before that it had to be somewhere near July 2024.

Thankfully, I don't have a down at my lowest/at my rock bottom near death type story that
introduced itself as a slap-across-the-face-&-wake-the-ever-living-fuck-up after years wasting my entire life self-medicating in a haze of my own making.

The decision to be sober was to intentionally fully feel those uncomfortable moments that life presents ever-so randomly, often, unwelcome in the most inopportune of times.

When those moments happen, I wanted to know that I could be okay when taken out of my comfort zone, without the need for relying on substances to be numb through the issue.

I wanted to fully live in those moments, to feel immersed in the present, good, or bad. All in hopes I would be able to manage those times of conflict in a healthier way than I had up until this point in my life.

No, more so this was a sudden realization that dawned on me, square out of nowhere in the middle of the day. I realized that I hadn't chosen to be an authentic version to myself, for myself, let alone for others, well, ever.

Not one day.

What an absolute shame, I thought, briefly.

What a shame to the people in my life^[1], the friends who have chosen to spend their time here on earth, with me, an inauthentic person.

What a way to disrespect their time, without worry of what those actions, of living an inauthentic existence to myself and, most regrettably, these friends, will inevitably bring in the future.

How much utterly devastating to realize I had accepted their time, their energy, their love, their affection, their trust, without a moment of pause to self-reflect and ask myself some much overdue questions.

Am I okay?

Will I be okay?
Am I alright?
Am I able to be alright?
Do I deserve to be okay?
Do I want to be okay?
When will it be alright to feel okay?

This moment felt visceral. Profound. Unavoidable. Necessary to confront in earnest.

To decipher why I shared moments with different people where all we could was either bullshit, laugh, or even cry, often inebriated for the hell of it, seemingly justifying our shared presence as a good enough celebratory reason to get wasted together.

To examine why I let these people who chose to trust that I was who they knew me to be, without even truly ever trusting myself.

During this visceral realization, I earnestly felt as if I as a person was unworthy of those past moments, of their time, their energies, their love, their affections, even our mere shared presence together.

Am I making any sense here?
Do you see what I’m doing?

I was having a valiant go at retroactively tarnishing my previous memories of partying and/or being with friends into this ultra negative false reality.

During this moment, and in unrecognizably impressive haste, I was attempting to careen my current emotional well-being off the side of an ever looming, but at this moment dormant, Super Volcano that I’ll name in this moment as Mount Self-Destruct,^[2]

And for what? For what purpose?^[3]

In a moment of clarity, I understood what I was subconsciously doing, I was able to follow it, but I was unable to stop the feeling of wanting to go down this path and purposely self-destruct, all because it’s a feeling I've grown used to.

But, this self-destructive feeling has some upside. It gives me a sense of control, it won’t be surprising, it wouldn’t present any real examinations, nor real challenges. It’s a feeling I knew all too well, but had grown to accept it as a part of my life’s-cycle.

The feeling of letting myself down after making a commitment to myself to intentionally be sober, was in and of itself, another coping mechanism I was about to use to distract myself further from doing the real work necessary to be a better person for myself and others.

Mount Self-Destruct^[4] couldn't ask for a better sacrifice, it would be too sweet, too easy, too... predictable.

This decision to actively chose to be sober would be the first time I earnestly made the decision to chose to feel life in an authentic way, over a period of time longer than a couple of days.

To stop self-medicating for an extended amount of time, since I was a young teenager.^[5]

To fully grasp what I've come to realize about myself.

I enjoy the feeling of letting myself down.

Now what?

That self-realization hurt when it originally dawned on me, but now?

It's practically killing me now to accept that fact, a fact I already knew about myself,

It hurts to know that I let myself down, constantly.

That I let my past opportunities whither into a pile of what if's.

That through those previous actions^[6]future potential, my future self.

It hurts to feel so down about myself so often and without a moment of pause, or rather, radically give myself some grace, some compassion, a little fucking self-respect.

I have enjoyed this feeling of letting myself down, time & time again, for years.

I can accept that, I must accept that, I have to accept that.

The familiarity of this feeling, of letting myself down, is a major, if not the, most addictive part of this addictive personality I'm susceptible to wallowing in.

The constant need to self-medicate through drugs, drinks, yanno... substances

While this attempt at sobriety happened, thankfully, to be in unison while I was going to therapy weekly, while I was learning to^[7] be more empathetic with myself, I'm grateful that It wasn't the first thing, hell, any part of my goals getting into therapy^[8]

I had been in therapy over a year at that point. During the sessions, I often asked for homework to do in-between sessions, I often finished them too.^[9] One thing I'm still proud^[10] of myself for.

Something that surprised me the most during my time in therapy was how often I thought about therapy.

I read about therapy often, I learned and engaged with a couple powerful theories on mental health that resonated with my life experiences and the lived life experiences of friends, family, acquaintances I knew somewhat well enough, I figured.

While trying to talk myself through this negative moment of thoughts that had me feeling down on myself for the realization of how much I enjoyed the feeling of letting myself down, still there was this genuine achievement of one of the singular times I stayed consistent with a goal/hobby/idea.

I kept thinking of those clichés we have heard often enough to have worn their welcome. Those ones we all know too well.

The clichés "better the devil you know," "fight or flight," and "here for a good time, not a long etc etc.," come to mind. ^[11]

But, those phrases aren't profound enough for how verbose I^[12] love to be, despite my desire to be far more concise, I am who I am.

Below this section, there are words that are partly from moments, over years now, of self-reflection that I feel necessary to clarify further in an attempt to create a more cohesive... whatever-this-post-is to, hopefully properly engage with whatever-this-ends-up-being-if-I-even-end-up-publishing-this.

I'm not sharing definitions per se, but more so, realizations I came to be most enamored by for my own self-worth journey.

Bold Words

Here are the words in bold.

One major life lesson I've come to realize, is that boundaries I set for yourself are the most graceful way for me to allow myself the kindness to show my future self compassion I had to learn that I deserved, and that I wasn't going to get from anyone else.

In being graceful with myself, I had to understand I didn't have a problem with self-medicating at the time I chose to purposely go forward in life being sober, but I owed it to myself to attempt to live my life clearer headed than I had ever let myself before experience. I deserved to give myself that intentionally.

You see, I found that it's far kinder to give myself the permission to say no, than to suffer through the negative experience of doing something I'd rather not do.

Making the choice to be sober, was choosing to say no to this cycle of negativity I found myself far too comfortable in.

That continued behavior, drinking, smoking, self-medicating... I learned that for myself, I'd rather not have my future-self experience that deep shame I'm prone to so that my current self could continue to be a person who I no longer wanted to be, and didn't even recognize anymore.

I no longer wanted my future-self to deal with, to further feel shame for actions I no longer needed to rely upon.

In my limited time left on earth^[13], learning to respect myself enough, to make the time to earnestly reflect on my loudest internal thoughts, so that I can find it within myself to accept that I am a constant work-in-progress.

If I cannot respect myself, how will anyone respect me? How could anyone love the real me?

The journey is the process, I have to learn to love the process, as the journey to radically love myself is a process that other people aren't interested in following. They want the fully done version, not the work-in-progress.

I truly believe the time I've spent reflecting on myself through writing so that I could parse these thoughts has actually saved my life.^[14]

This year, I've learned to accept that my underprivileged life is mine, and mine alone. That there are hierarchies we've grown into, through our respective families journeys, and that we all have our own stories to write, rewrite, and add more chapters to.

There's a certain bravery in accepting oneself, faults and, all.

Be Brave, You Fucking Coward.

It's brave to live life on your own terms, it's brave to put aside the sense of pride and ego we carry to protect the self-image we've learned to be most comfortable with and that we feel the world has learned to take comfort in.

Learning to say to myself, I am proud of who I've become, took years to say confidently, without physically sobbing.^[15]

I'm sure that might sound pathetic to some, worrying to others, and ridiculous to most, but when you're taught to exist in a world that reminds you constantly that you're unworthy of privileges and that the suffering you've felt is part of the plan, and you need to suffer more to prove to yourself and others that you might be worthy enough to give a damn about.

Well, then it's time to find your own worth, accept being ignored, & perhaps learn to love yourself.

No one else is able to love yourself, only you.

Footnotes